who is charlie chortle?

My photo
452 pragtishana alley, vlertomia, Afghanistan
hi, my name's charlie chortle and this is my blog. it covers my trials and tribulations of gaining and losing employment. some call it freelancing but i call it downright insane. so get down with this here mo fo blog and get to it with me. y'all know w'sayin' dawg! and just for the record, although my mailing address is in afghanistan, i'm from czechoslovakia, where i was once a children's television star. i am currently more widely known for my scientific research on the sex life of pre-pubescent penguins and the ramifications it has on global warming. read on!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

greetings from shanghai

charlie chortle gets picked up by sharlene shontelle

not like i had any time to blog while packing for versasia. i'm a tiny bit skeptical about this versasia trip. i know... i'll get miss mystery to pay me a cash advance then cut out of town. no...that would ruin my reputation as a human being who actually has a soul. i know, i'll just go and see what happens. wait a minute...what's that hanging out out my suitcase? it's a  2 gb jump drive...look it's got "top secret" labelled on it. get me to my usb port right now and let me see what's on it. dum de dum, hmm...la di da. oh my gaaaaa....it's photographs of me.  one at meganormous, one at the music store, one selling miniature polystyrene nuclear explosion models in philadelphia, one of me half naked with - who the fuck is that? what the hell is going on here?  wait a minute, there's a .doc! i'll open it up. here's what it says "dear mr. chortle, you're right, there is no versasia, there are no ecclesiastical snow otters, but where you're going you will need a surgeon with a keen-ness in cloning. in exactly 7 seconds after reading this .doc, sharlene shontelle, your mysterious gorgeous literary agent will be ascending from a helicopter onto your roof while guards escort you to her side. Sincerely, h14". At that moment, the door flew open as armed guards escorted me, my suitcase, and one tiny atomic bomb replica to the roof.  The megidecibels of the pflat, pflat, pflat, pflat,pflat, deafened me, and there she was hanging from a rope, screaming...."hurry charlie, hurry"

Thursday, November 6, 2008

charlie chortle is off to versasia

it's the day after one of the most important days in american history, an obamanation of joy abounds, the smiles on everyones faces just gleaming in the amber glow of the mid autumn light, and i get a call from a literary agent who wants to send me on location to versasia.  i said "where" and she said "versasia". and i said, "isn't that a product for male genital enhancement". and she laughed and laughed and said "no, it's a real place along  the western border of siberia and mongolia. the southern congolese government is doing a study on the ecclesiastical snow otter, dwelling in the western plains and we read your fabulous article on the sex life of pre pubescent antarctic penguins and thought you would be a perfect fit". and i was all like yeeeeeahhh! and she went on to tell me that my flight leaves tomw morning at 6am, and i was all like feeling real 007 and all and i snapped out of it and said " .... uuuhhhhh ...nooooooooo". so she said "we'll give you a week to get your act together, pack lots of thermal and down, we'll have a camera crew going with you and we'll pay you $18" and i was all like - "giddyup"! and she laughed and said "don't be silly darling you know i meant $18,000". two days later i woke up in the hospital wondering what the hell happened and there were doctors all around me, clapping and cheering my article on the pre pubescent sex life of antarctic penguins and saying things like "look - it's charlie chortle". did i just enter the twilight zone, or is this for real? and out from behind the doctors came the literary agent - a hottie to boot. "charlie" she says, "you passed out when i told you how much you'll get for this research/docudrama project" it was all coming back to me now. so i asked her if a surgeon with a specialty in cloning will be going along on the trip to versasia with me in the event that i get frostbite again, and she said "yes, i am!" at that moment i could have sworn i heard those two dramatic chords you hear in a movie when mystery and intrigue are about to happen. and she looked at me batting her eyelashes and i squinted back at her with a half a smile! 

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

charlie chortle takes his polystyrene miniature models of nuclear explosions and himself to the please touch museum

my, my, my, where have i been? here it is early november 2008(..or is it 2009) and lordy me i don't even know where the month of october went. i guess moving out of that one horse town was a bit more than i bargained for. the eviction notice under my front door made it easy and aparrent i wasn't wanted there any more so i packed my bags and my collection of miniature polystyrene models of nuclear explosions and fled like someone set my ass on fire with kerosene, blowtorches and gunpowder. it's almost like it was a message from some superior being. so i heeded my call to move on, forget shirley, and look for work as a scientific journalist elsewhere. i got the bus to philadelphia and set up a makeshift refrigerator box near the please touch museum. in the day, i sold my miniature polystyrene models of nuclear explosions and before long, i made enough money to get an apartment. i went onto craig's list and found an apartment with 3 other roommates. they're all pretty much geeky student types and are never around so i basically have the place to myself. wahooo!