Gold Ribbon Charlie Chortle

     Hello again my beautiful, faithful Chortellians. I know... I know, it's been a while since I spoke to any of you, but after the action film I did in Shanghai, it was of the utmost necessity for me to drop out of society for a while. As it happened, we created a complete debacle of Shanghai and the police had a bounty hunter after me and his mission was to lop off my head and return it to the mayor. So needless to say, I had to hide. I went to the remote province of Xinjiang, where I bought a ribbon factory from what I earned doing the movie. I learned the language very quickly (due to my idiotic savantry) and proceeded to embrace the people and the culture of that far off land. I also found out that the ribbon was not merely ribbon; not satin, linen, lace or even corinthian leather. It was 24K gold, of the finest quality. I was shocked and asked my diligent Xinjiangian assistant why the ribbon is made of gold and she said it was a secret. Ask no questions, keep working and keep mouth shut. I was no fool, I kept my mouth shut, but there was no way I was going to leave this alone. My curiosity was out of control. I needed information and I was going to get it.

     Since everyone had the day off for Chinese New Year and I was not a practicing Chinese citizen, I thought it would be a great day to go to the factory and scour the books. With Google translator on my laptop, I was golden - 24K golden! My research led me to a series of paper trails. One paper trail led to the Cayman Islands, another to several Swiss bank accounts, another to a Canadian fuel pipeline company called CFGA (pronounced sifga), translated to mean 'Canadians For Glutting America' and another to a right wing political party called Women Against Abortion and Reproductive Rights or WAARR. "Hmmm..." I thought. WAARR. That sounds an awful lot like the word 'war'. I wonder if there was a correlation. Of course there is you naively brilliant sucker. But perhaps the most crucial bit of information is where all of the paper trails ended up. My laboriously painful research led me to a horse farm in, of all places, Provost, Utah, heart of the ideologically religious cult known as Mormonism. I found a photograph of a beautiful chestnut colored mare, adorned in shimmering, glorious 24K gold ribbons. The golden ribbons were the hedge fund of a newly, highly technologically structured war complex headed by no other than the Dressagians - a camouflaged name for the Ann and Mitt Romney War Machine, also known as AMRWM (pronounced amrawim).

      I left for Utah the next morning. Of course I had to get out of Xinjiang which took thirteen and a half days. Bus travel in western China is so endearing this time of year. Full of livestock, Mongolians and persecuted Kryzakistanians looking for a better life. But once the bus got me back to Shanghai and my cankles got back to their pre-bus state, (except for a new crop of multi-colored varicose veins) I was on a flight in a matter of hours.

Charlie Chortle starring in "Centipedes and Squids"

Hey Fellow Chortelians -  It's been way too long since a new entry into the blogosphere has happened and I am extremely apologetic for that. So to make it up to you I present my first music video ever! It's called "Charlie Chortle in Centipedes and Squids". Bring in the kiddies, turn up the volume and click the HD up to 1080p for maximum viewing experience.

charlie chortle loves cheese

here's my new movie, called "charlie chortle loves international cheese day" starring yours truly. it seems that my czechoslovakian connection wanted to do a special on cheese, so that's where i've been...in czechoslovakia, filming my latest epic, a cheese docu-drama. if you want, copy/paste this link and watch it in glorious hi-def:

 

guess what..charlie's off again to prague

it seems that i violated my czechoslovakian children's television contract. hell, i gave up children's television years ago. how dare they try to get another piece of me. evidently they got wind of my huge breakthrough into film with my "shanghai shenanigans". it must have been in the slavic version of the hollywood reporter or something. well don't you worry ms. brataslava 1972. (aka my czechoslovakian producer) i have the greasiest, sleaziest, most vile and corrupt, pig nosed, hog breathed lawyer on earth, and you're going down! she did add that they would drop the case if i were to come back to czechoslovakia and do a few 3-5 minute comedic educational interstitials for the children. i know her few - by the time we're done, i'll have done 422 bits and i told her i lost my slavic vocabulary. and she said "we're all learning english now and that's why we want you back" and i said "you know i went back to school for animal husbandry and i'm a writer now and i'm trying to get work doing scientific writing", and she's all over me saying things like "you'll never be a writer, and everyone knows you're an action hero now and the children reeeeeeealy need you" and so on and so forth. so i replied "like, why the freaking law suit" and she said "i'm a producer, i do what i have to do, to get the job done". and i said "make me executive producer and i'm only doing 25 interstitials!" and she said "okay". so i'm off to prague. i do kind of miss it. see you later usa - i'm leaving on yet another journey! perhaps sharlene would like to join me. that would certainly bend ms. bratislava right out of shape. i'll expense her plane ticket and our hotel room because i'm executive producer now. excuse me while i call the ever delightful, sharlene shontelle, my co-star in "shanghai shenanigans", soon to be released worldwide on epiglotis pictures.

charlie chortle returns from shanghai

hello all my fans and friends. sorry i've been away so long, but after i was whisked away by who i thought was my literary agent, i ended up in shanghai filming one of the most incredible spy thriller comedies, ever produced, starring yours truly. bet you never thought i had it in me to be an action hero, but once the film is out, you'll see. it's in my contract not to discuss it until it's european release, so i'm sworn to secrecy, but believe me - it is outrageous fun!! so now that i have money, i can sit back and chill a while. i can get back to writing about my favorite topics...the sex life of pre pubescent antarctic penguins or the effects of nuclear disasters on planarian worms or why people eat gravel. the world is my oyster and i am about to bread it and deep fry it, or maybe i'll just eat it raw! that's it - i'll eat this world raw because there's a lot of it and i would need a pretty large deep fryer to cook it.... hold on a second, my cell phone is ringing.

listen, i gotta go - it's that czechoslovakian producer. i don't know what she wants, but it better be good.....later!

greetings from shanghai

charlie chortle gets picked up by sharlene shontelle

not like i had any time to blog while packing for versasia. i'm a tiny bit skeptical about this versasia trip. i know... i'll get miss mystery to pay me a cash advance then cut out of town. no...that would ruin my reputation as a human being who actually has a soul. i know, i'll just go and see what happens. wait a minute...what's that hanging out out my suitcase? it's a  2 gb jump drive...look it's got "top secret" labelled on it. get me to my usb port right now and let me see what's on it. dum de dum, hmm...la di da. oh my gaaaaa....it's photographs of me.  one at meganormous, one at the music store, one selling miniature polystyrene nuclear explosion models in philadelphia, one of me half naked with - who the fuck is that? what the hell is going on here?  wait a minute, there's a .doc! i'll open it up. here's what it says "dear mr. chortle, you're right, there is no versasia, there are no ecclesiastical snow otters, but where you're going you will need a surgeon with a keen-ness in cloning. in exactly 7 seconds after reading this .doc, sharlene shontelle, your mysterious gorgeous literary agent will be ascending from a helicopter onto your roof while guards escort you to her side. Sincerely, h14". At that moment, the door flew open as armed guards escorted me, my suitcase, and one tiny atomic bomb replica to the roof.  The megidecibels of the pflat, pflat, pflat, pflat,pflat, deafened me, and there she was hanging from a rope, screaming...."hurry charlie, hurry"

charlie chortle is off to versasia

it's the day after one of the most important days in american history, an obamanation of joy abounds, the smiles on everyones faces just gleaming in the amber glow of the mid autumn light, and i get a call from a literary agent who wants to send me on location to versasia.  i said "where" and she said "versasia". and i said, "isn't that a product for male genital enhancement". and she laughed and laughed and said "no, it's a real place along  the western border of siberia and mongolia. the southern congolese government is doing a study on the ecclesiastical snow otter, dwelling in the western plains and we read your fabulous article on the sex life of pre pubescent antarctic penguins and thought you would be a perfect fit". and i was all like yeeeeeahhh! and she went on to tell me that my flight leaves tomw morning at 6am, and i was all like feeling real 007 and all and i snapped out of it and said " .... uuuhhhhh ...nooooooooo". so she said "we'll give you a week to get your act together, pack lots of thermal and down, we'll have a camera crew going with you and we'll pay you $18" and i was all like - "giddyup"! and she laughed and said "don't be silly darling you know i meant $18,000". two days later i woke up in the hospital wondering what the hell happened and there were doctors all around me, clapping and cheering my article on the pre pubescent sex life of antarctic penguins and saying things like "look - it's charlie chortle". did i just enter the twilight zone, or is this for real? and out from behind the doctors came the literary agent - a hottie to boot. "charlie" she says, "you passed out when i told you how much you'll get for this research/docudrama project" it was all coming back to me now. so i asked her if a surgeon with a specialty in cloning will be going along on the trip to versasia with me in the event that i get frostbite again, and she said "yes, i am!" at that moment i could have sworn i heard those two dramatic chords you hear in a movie when mystery and intrigue are about to happen. and she looked at me batting her eyelashes and i squinted back at her with a half a smile! 

charlie chortle takes his polystyrene miniature models of nuclear explosions and himself to the please touch museum

my, my, my, where have i been? here it is early november 2008(..or is it 2009) and lordy me i don't even know where the month of october went. i guess moving out of that one horse town was a bit more than i bargained for. the eviction notice under my front door made it easy and aparrent i wasn't wanted there any more so i packed my bags and my collection of miniature polystyrene models of nuclear explosions and fled like someone set my ass on fire with kerosene, blowtorches and gunpowder. it's almost like it was a message from some superior being. so i heeded my call to move on, forget shirley, and look for work as a scientific journalist elsewhere. i got the bus to philadelphia and set up a makeshift refrigerator box near the please touch museum. in the day, i sold my miniature polystyrene models of nuclear explosions and before long, i made enough money to get an apartment. i went onto craig's list and found an apartment with 3 other roommates. they're all pretty much geeky student types and are never around so i basically have the place to myself. wahooo!

charlie chortle is outa here

here it is the eve before the month of halloween and i still heard hide nor hare from that ultra corporama, that gleaming icon of groceries and sundries, that worldwide succubus... "meganormous supermarket". do i really want that job as parking cart retrieval guy? the only thing i really wanted was shirley, smitten by her charm i knew we had something in common. (zits) - [shut up subconscious!] but now - the hell with her! i saw her the other day with her bulbacious nether regions hanging out as she was practically inside the car of milk stocker dudes chevelle. ooooh - wow - let's hop up our '74 chevelle and try to pick up the cashier. i'm over all of this happy horseshit town. i am so out of here! as i lift my middle finger in total chortleness .... screw you this mere hideopolis i live in.....screw you!  i'm moving to some city, some where. oh, by the way, chicken thighs are on special today and tomorrow at meganormous. two for the price of one. so go stock up! 

charlie chortle gets stood up

nothing like going to a job interview at the highly prestigious meganormous supermarket's headquarters and being stood up. it reminds me of 90% of the dates i went on! or i should say, never went on! and look how well i dressed. i went in my tux - the same one i wore at the 1999 czechoslovakian emmy awards when i was presenting. oh well - do i really want to work for corporama...the man....big brother.... hellz no! they'll have to grovel to get my attention at this point, or have a really good benefits package, or both. maybe i'll take that czechoslovakian producer's offer, if i haven't burned that bridge. i'm sure i'll get a call from some scientific journal who needs a writer for some obscure trivial animal mutation or for a new prescription drug breakthrough with at least 820 hideous and horrible side effects, 75% of them being fatal. no, i won't rush into a job right at this point. if i start to run out of money, i could always go back to being a street musician. i'll bring my mini mid-century bellow style portable organ, find a nice comfortable corner, tap into city electric through a streetlight and do what i do best....organ-ize. hey - i just made that up. i shock myself. i guess i'm just constantly thinking about my organ and how much pleasure it gives me. and sheeeeyat - i can make beaucoup dollars with my organ!

charlie chortle's thoughts before bedtime

tomorrow's the big day. my interview at meganormous for the grocery cart retrieval engineer. well, it's not really an engineering job. i just threw that in so people will think i'm really smart. i ironed my favorite t shirt and made a plaster of oxy 10 to wrap on my face for about an hour in the event that my facial challenges would heal or reduce in size. no luck though. still the same charlie chortle we all know and love. bumpy and lumpy. will i be able to sleep tonight? my dream job awaits. will i screw up the interview? will they like me? will i get the job? will i get to work with shirley? will they relocate me to another town? will they ask for references? what happens if they find out i have my doctorate in animal husbandry? will i get a discount on groceries? what's their promotions like? i want this job so bad! will there be training? if so, where and how long? will they make me get rid of my piercings? or my tattoos? wait a minute - I don't have any tattoos. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......snoooooorrrrrre..... zzzzzzz!

charlie chortles' czechoslovakian producer calls

no sooner than i planned to go out and get a life did the phone ring from my czechoslovakian producer. she was all like 'you gotta come back and do more shows' and 'oh how we, and the children miss you out here' and 'i know we treated you like crap all those years we exploited your talent, but i'm sure we can work something out' etc., etc., and so on. yawn...i've heard it all before. 'i made my decision back when you were still called czechoslovakia, and that's final' i cranked. the silence was deafening, and beautiful. so out to 'bar ass' i flew to get a life. i met with some of my old friends and we celebrated in style my published work in the malawi journal of zoological husbandry and research on the sexual promiscuity of pubescent penguins. as i recall, it was tequila shots all around with jaggermeister and schnapps chasers. buffalo wings and beers, pizza and chitlins. it was all good....all real good!

the job search continues...

...and has taken a turn to the obscure. i called monkey mouth music at the mall to see if they wanted to hire me to play the organ at the front of the store, to lure customers in, and they just laughed at me and said 'why should we pay you when you know we can get you for free'. i basically told them to kiss my boil encrusted you know what and hung up! i saw an ad in the upper vlernick intelligencer for a child care re-appropriations counselor. i sure as heck didn't know what that was, but i was positive i could bullfart my way through it. they interviewed me later in the day. of course it was at a minimum of a 112º in the shade. i had to take 3 showers even before i got there and bought out the local cvs of all their deodorant. did it keep me from sweating my garbanzos off. no! so basically the job was to change diapers at the local child care facility. i guess the re-appropriations is moving a poopy diaper off their ass and re-appropriating it into the diaper pail, as you counsel them by softly cooing to them the importance of potty training....or something along those lines. i kindly declined the job and related my early childhood to them in full detail, including the part where my parents were killed in a jet plane accident when i was 14 and how i was in charge of changing the diapers of my 3 youngest siblings 5-8 times daily for the better part of my teenage years. i continued how it was impossible for me to even look at a diaper without the horrible thought of that jet plane plummeting to the earth with my helpless, caring parents aboard. they, of course looked at me like i had 3 heads, but i was clearly off the hook and feeling no guilt. even though i stretched the truth just a wee bit. anyway, that 'meganormous' shopping cart retrieval engineer job interview is coming up so i think i'll give the job search a rest for a while and go out and find myself a life.

charlie chortle's job search

my day of job searching was remarkable to say the least. I headed for the local 'meganormous' to get a couple of groceries early yesterday morning. i needed vaseline, some giant calamari, okra, wasabi and of course some oxy 10 for my ...ahem....facial challenges.....yes, that's what they are, or should I say that's what I am. Facially challenged! So, now that i got that off of my chest we can move on with my story. So i gather my groceries and go to the checkout and on the child seat of the grocery cart is an ad for grocery cart retrieval people. Starting at $4.75 an hour. Hell, or should i say 'heck' (i know they have strict regulations about obscenities on blogger) that's 25¢ more than i make as a scientific journalist with his doctoral degree in the sexual promiscuity of antarctican pubescent penguins. so i called the toll free number on the grocery cart and they gave me an appointment for next week. Wahooooooo.! I'm gonna make the big bucks now! and my freakish friends, if that weren't enough, the checkout girl at meganormous kicked chortlific ass. her name tag read 'shirley'. i think i'm in love!

charlie chortle shops for organs at the mall

good evening everyone. so, i'm here at 'bar ass' and no one showed up. where is everyone? it doesn't  matter - you're all busy with so much to do! god forbid you rip yourselves away from your horrid lives to join me in celebration of my new article appearing in the national malawi journal of zoological husbandry and research on the sexual promiscuity of pubescent penguins in antarctica. i realize it's not the new england journal of medicine or us weekly, but you wait....you'll see. it'll be up there with the poughkeepsie times register some day. it's all good though. it's all good! today was quite an adventure. i went to the mall to go spend some of the money i made on the uss malaria. i made a whopping $4.50 an hour on my most recent journalistic endeavor so I set out to buy myself a new organ. we drank so much on the cruise, my liver's like shredded wheat. isn't it remarkable you can go to the mall these days and buy bodily organs. hey, while i'm at it i may as well get a pancreas or a gall bladder - you never know when you'll need one of them. i think they're on sale this month - hell, i think i'll get a whole new sinus cavity - that's been shot since the late '80's......psych! just kidding! but i did shop for organs at monkey mouth music. well, not exactly. i just went in to play their floor models for eight solid hours. there's nothing like playing the organ to old recordings of steve lawrence and eydie gormé duets. it was sheer unadulterated heaven. but tomorrow's a new day. i need to rest up and go job searching. how is one able to make a living as a journalist? would someone please tell me!

charlie chortle stops in hawaii before his cruise to antarctica

aloha -  nothing like hawaiin tradewinds filtering  through natural grass fibers to give you that extra clean and spacious feeling.

charlie chortle educates children on the importance of consonent blends

charlie chortle returns from antarctica

good morning my dear, dear friends and family. it's been so long since i've been in touch with all of you and i apologize. i was away doing my journalistic pursuit on the cruise ship uss malaria in the antarctic circle. commissioned to do a story for the prime minister of malawi on the sex life of pubescent penguins for the national malawi journal of zoological husbandry and research, i found it difficult to communicate on my blog due to the fact that my freaking fingers were attacked by frostbite, rendering one of them useless. nevertheless, the cloning station on the highly advanced malaria found time to replicate my pinky and reconstitute it for functionality. i miss all of you terribly so i want all of you to meet me at 'bar ass' on the corner of 453rd st and broadway in brooklyn, tomorrow night, thurs, 9/18.