Hello again my beautiful, faithful Chortellians. I know... I know, it's been a while since I spoke to any of you, but after the action film I did in Shanghai, it was of the utmost necessity for me to drop out of society for a while. As it happened, we created a complete debacle of Shanghai and the police had a bounty hunter after me and his mission was to lop off my head and return it to the mayor. So needless to say, I had to hide. I went to the remote province of Xinjiang, where I bought a ribbon factory from what I earned doing the movie. I learned the language very quickly (due to my idiotic savantry) and proceeded to embrace the people and the culture of that far off land. I also found out that the ribbon was not merely ribbon; not satin, linen, lace or even corinthian leather. It was 24K gold, of the finest quality. I was shocked and asked my diligent Xinjiangian assistant why the ribbon is made of gold and she said it was a secret. Ask no questions, keep working and keep mouth shut. I was no fool, I kept my mouth shut, but there was no way I was going to leave this alone. My curiosity was out of control. I needed information and I was going to get it.
Since everyone had the day off for Chinese New Year and I was not a practicing Chinese citizen, I thought it would be a great day to go to the factory and scour the books. With Google translator on my laptop, I was golden - 24K golden! My research led me to a series of paper trails. One paper trail led to the Cayman Islands, another to several Swiss bank accounts, another to a Canadian fuel pipeline company called CFGA (pronounced sifga), translated to mean 'Canadians For Glutting America' and another to a right wing political party called Women Against Abortion and Reproductive Rights or WAARR. "Hmmm..." I thought. WAARR. That sounds an awful lot like the word 'war'. I wonder if there was a correlation. Of course there is you naively brilliant sucker. But perhaps the most crucial bit of information is where all of the paper trails ended up. My laboriously painful research led me to a horse farm in, of all places, Provost, Utah, heart of the ideologically religious cult known as Mormonism. I found a photograph of a beautiful chestnut colored mare, adorned in shimmering, glorious 24K gold ribbons. The golden ribbons were the hedge fund of a newly, highly technologically structured war complex headed by no other than the Dressagians - a camouflaged name for the Ann and Mitt Romney War Machine, also known as AMRWM (pronounced amrawim).
I left for Utah the next morning. Of course I had to get out of Xinjiang which took thirteen and a half days. Bus travel in western China is so endearing this time of year. Full of livestock, Mongolians and persecuted Kryzakistanians looking for a better life. But once the bus got me back to Shanghai and my cankles got back to their pre-bus state, (except for a new crop of multi-colored varicose veins) I was on a flight in a matter of hours.