charlie chortle is outa here

here it is the eve before the month of halloween and i still heard hide nor hare from that ultra corporama, that gleaming icon of groceries and sundries, that worldwide succubus... "meganormous supermarket". do i really want that job as parking cart retrieval guy? the only thing i really wanted was shirley, smitten by her charm i knew we had something in common. (zits) - [shut up subconscious!] but now - the hell with her! i saw her the other day with her bulbacious nether regions hanging out as she was practically inside the car of milk stocker dudes chevelle. ooooh - wow - let's hop up our '74 chevelle and try to pick up the cashier. i'm over all of this happy horseshit town. i am so out of here! as i lift my middle finger in total chortleness .... screw you this mere hideopolis i live in.....screw you!  i'm moving to some city, some where. oh, by the way, chicken thighs are on special today and tomorrow at meganormous. two for the price of one. so go stock up! 

charlie chortle gets stood up

nothing like going to a job interview at the highly prestigious meganormous supermarket's headquarters and being stood up. it reminds me of 90% of the dates i went on! or i should say, never went on! and look how well i dressed. i went in my tux - the same one i wore at the 1999 czechoslovakian emmy awards when i was presenting. oh well - do i really want to work for corporama...the man....big brother.... hellz no! they'll have to grovel to get my attention at this point, or have a really good benefits package, or both. maybe i'll take that czechoslovakian producer's offer, if i haven't burned that bridge. i'm sure i'll get a call from some scientific journal who needs a writer for some obscure trivial animal mutation or for a new prescription drug breakthrough with at least 820 hideous and horrible side effects, 75% of them being fatal. no, i won't rush into a job right at this point. if i start to run out of money, i could always go back to being a street musician. i'll bring my mini mid-century bellow style portable organ, find a nice comfortable corner, tap into city electric through a streetlight and do what i do best....organ-ize. hey - i just made that up. i shock myself. i guess i'm just constantly thinking about my organ and how much pleasure it gives me. and sheeeeyat - i can make beaucoup dollars with my organ!

charlie chortle's thoughts before bedtime

tomorrow's the big day. my interview at meganormous for the grocery cart retrieval engineer. well, it's not really an engineering job. i just threw that in so people will think i'm really smart. i ironed my favorite t shirt and made a plaster of oxy 10 to wrap on my face for about an hour in the event that my facial challenges would heal or reduce in size. no luck though. still the same charlie chortle we all know and love. bumpy and lumpy. will i be able to sleep tonight? my dream job awaits. will i screw up the interview? will they like me? will i get the job? will i get to work with shirley? will they relocate me to another town? will they ask for references? what happens if they find out i have my doctorate in animal husbandry? will i get a discount on groceries? what's their promotions like? i want this job so bad! will there be training? if so, where and how long? will they make me get rid of my piercings? or my tattoos? wait a minute - I don't have any tattoos. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......snoooooorrrrrre..... zzzzzzz!

charlie chortles' czechoslovakian producer calls

no sooner than i planned to go out and get a life did the phone ring from my czechoslovakian producer. she was all like 'you gotta come back and do more shows' and 'oh how we, and the children miss you out here' and 'i know we treated you like crap all those years we exploited your talent, but i'm sure we can work something out' etc., etc., and so on. yawn...i've heard it all before. 'i made my decision back when you were still called czechoslovakia, and that's final' i cranked. the silence was deafening, and beautiful. so out to 'bar ass' i flew to get a life. i met with some of my old friends and we celebrated in style my published work in the malawi journal of zoological husbandry and research on the sexual promiscuity of pubescent penguins. as i recall, it was tequila shots all around with jaggermeister and schnapps chasers. buffalo wings and beers, pizza and chitlins. it was all good....all real good!

the job search continues...

...and has taken a turn to the obscure. i called monkey mouth music at the mall to see if they wanted to hire me to play the organ at the front of the store, to lure customers in, and they just laughed at me and said 'why should we pay you when you know we can get you for free'. i basically told them to kiss my boil encrusted you know what and hung up! i saw an ad in the upper vlernick intelligencer for a child care re-appropriations counselor. i sure as heck didn't know what that was, but i was positive i could bullfart my way through it. they interviewed me later in the day. of course it was at a minimum of a 112º in the shade. i had to take 3 showers even before i got there and bought out the local cvs of all their deodorant. did it keep me from sweating my garbanzos off. no! so basically the job was to change diapers at the local child care facility. i guess the re-appropriations is moving a poopy diaper off their ass and re-appropriating it into the diaper pail, as you counsel them by softly cooing to them the importance of potty training....or something along those lines. i kindly declined the job and related my early childhood to them in full detail, including the part where my parents were killed in a jet plane accident when i was 14 and how i was in charge of changing the diapers of my 3 youngest siblings 5-8 times daily for the better part of my teenage years. i continued how it was impossible for me to even look at a diaper without the horrible thought of that jet plane plummeting to the earth with my helpless, caring parents aboard. they, of course looked at me like i had 3 heads, but i was clearly off the hook and feeling no guilt. even though i stretched the truth just a wee bit. anyway, that 'meganormous' shopping cart retrieval engineer job interview is coming up so i think i'll give the job search a rest for a while and go out and find myself a life.

charlie chortle's job search

my day of job searching was remarkable to say the least. I headed for the local 'meganormous' to get a couple of groceries early yesterday morning. i needed vaseline, some giant calamari, okra, wasabi and of course some oxy 10 for my ...ahem....facial challenges.....yes, that's what they are, or should I say that's what I am. Facially challenged! So, now that i got that off of my chest we can move on with my story. So i gather my groceries and go to the checkout and on the child seat of the grocery cart is an ad for grocery cart retrieval people. Starting at $4.75 an hour. Hell, or should i say 'heck' (i know they have strict regulations about obscenities on blogger) that's 25¢ more than i make as a scientific journalist with his doctoral degree in the sexual promiscuity of antarctican pubescent penguins. so i called the toll free number on the grocery cart and they gave me an appointment for next week. Wahooooooo.! I'm gonna make the big bucks now! and my freakish friends, if that weren't enough, the checkout girl at meganormous kicked chortlific ass. her name tag read 'shirley'. i think i'm in love!

charlie chortle shops for organs at the mall

good evening everyone. so, i'm here at 'bar ass' and no one showed up. where is everyone? it doesn't  matter - you're all busy with so much to do! god forbid you rip yourselves away from your horrid lives to join me in celebration of my new article appearing in the national malawi journal of zoological husbandry and research on the sexual promiscuity of pubescent penguins in antarctica. i realize it's not the new england journal of medicine or us weekly, but you wait....you'll see. it'll be up there with the poughkeepsie times register some day. it's all good though. it's all good! today was quite an adventure. i went to the mall to go spend some of the money i made on the uss malaria. i made a whopping $4.50 an hour on my most recent journalistic endeavor so I set out to buy myself a new organ. we drank so much on the cruise, my liver's like shredded wheat. isn't it remarkable you can go to the mall these days and buy bodily organs. hey, while i'm at it i may as well get a pancreas or a gall bladder - you never know when you'll need one of them. i think they're on sale this month - hell, i think i'll get a whole new sinus cavity - that's been shot since the late '80's......psych! just kidding! but i did shop for organs at monkey mouth music. well, not exactly. i just went in to play their floor models for eight solid hours. there's nothing like playing the organ to old recordings of steve lawrence and eydie gormé duets. it was sheer unadulterated heaven. but tomorrow's a new day. i need to rest up and go job searching. how is one able to make a living as a journalist? would someone please tell me!

charlie chortle stops in hawaii before his cruise to antarctica

aloha -  nothing like hawaiin tradewinds filtering  through natural grass fibers to give you that extra clean and spacious feeling.

charlie chortle educates children on the importance of consonent blends

charlie chortle returns from antarctica

good morning my dear, dear friends and family. it's been so long since i've been in touch with all of you and i apologize. i was away doing my journalistic pursuit on the cruise ship uss malaria in the antarctic circle. commissioned to do a story for the prime minister of malawi on the sex life of pubescent penguins for the national malawi journal of zoological husbandry and research, i found it difficult to communicate on my blog due to the fact that my freaking fingers were attacked by frostbite, rendering one of them useless. nevertheless, the cloning station on the highly advanced malaria found time to replicate my pinky and reconstitute it for functionality. i miss all of you terribly so i want all of you to meet me at 'bar ass' on the corner of 453rd st and broadway in brooklyn, tomorrow night, thurs, 9/18.